Today was the day I take my oldest L to her grandmother's house so she can visit her father. Not my favorite thing to do. Even though she is sometimes difficult I would rather have her home screaming at me than somewhere else, but I digress. Today I was thinking about where I am at in life and why I am where I am.
Woah. Deep thought considering I have had way too little sleep, and would be quite content going back to bed right now. I am not the best at expressing my emotions, especially to my husband. I have reasons, most of which stem from my poor decisions regarding who I shared my heart with earlier in my life and nothing to do with him.
I have been thinking a lot about fitness and how I sabotage myself a lot and don't do what I know I should do. See, I have gained twenty pounds since my lowest weigh-in, and I am not really happy about this. This past couple of weeks I have been pushing myself to get back into a groove that will help me get out of this funk. Little l is finally old enough that she will let me exercise and I won't have to run all over making sure she is okay, so I have been able to exercise during the day when I normally wouldn't have been able to. She is not napping, so nap time is a thing of the past in our home.
Overall though, even with the gain, I am still healthier than I have been in a long time, maybe even ever. I truly don't feel I would be where I am without my husband. Not because he makes me exercise or was disappointed in me when I was not fit, neither of which are true; but, because my husband makes me aspire to be a better and more fit person. He represents for me, things I want to be and things I know I can be. I never had the motivation to be these things before. I can only hope that I somehow inspire him to be a better person in some way as well.
This is what I was thinking about this morning, because I was thinking and hoping that when my children start looking for a mate to share their life with, that they too will be smart about who they choose and will pick someone who not only causes them to be a better person, but who is a better person for being with my daughter. It only took me until my thirties to realize that this is how you should truly choose a life mate, but I did, and I am grateful today for my husband, who I love more than I am able to express most days. In the meantime, I will work on expressing my feelings a little more, but maybe not today......
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