music:: life

i have always been a big music person.  i sang for many years in choir, even in college.  i played piano, flute and bassoon.  music has always been my connection with my emotions.  over the last few years i have not felt very connected with myself. 

my children make me happy, i love them more than anything.  after all that has happened in life, i find it hard to let myself truly feel, to put those feelings out where others can see them.  i don't really want to be this way anymore.  i am in a fairly safe place in life.  excluding all interactions with big L's bio father my life is awesome and safe. 

of all things, girl scouts has made me realize this needs to change.  my girls love me, they love the time we spend together.  it is like having 11 other children.  i love them, and our time, but i need to be able to fully share the gs experience with them, which includes sharing and being close to others; developing close life-long friendships that you can depend on.  i am not sure how to lead them to this awesomeness when i have so much trouble with it myself, but i want them to feel safe sharing in our group, and with me.

i feel like i am only partially living life, like i am missing out because i am too afraid to fully feel all of my emotions.  i should not feel stupid when the beauty of the mountains surrounding our home brings me to tears.  life is beautiful, and so are most people. 

i am not quite sure how to fix myself.  what i do know is that years of counseling and drugs have done little when it comes to a long term solution, and i would like to do something that works for the long term, not just a quick fix.  i don't want to be that emotionally unavailable parent depicted in countless stories.  what i know after all this time, is that only i can fix this.  only i can change my attitude and open my heart.  no one else can help or show me how to do this. 

i think that music may be my way back to feeling.  over the years the amount of music i listen to has decreased in proportion to the amount of feeling i have been able to express.  i try to reintroduce it, but it hasn't always stayed.  the past couple days i have had a tune in my head, "sky", by Joshua Radin.  i am the first to admit that i am not real up on the latest and greatest in the music world.  i am not even sure why i have his music on my iPod, but i do, and it has been haunting all of my thoughts.  this morning on my walk, i decided to listen to music, and his songs are what i listened to.  while they are all a bit similar, what i like (from what i have heard so far) are the lyrics.  i am a lyric person when it comes to music, beautiful poetry is music, and when put with music is exceptionally emotive.  so i think this may end up being joshua radin week.  i have purchased a few more tunes, four was not enough, and so far i love it.  i may have even found little l's lullaby. 

since little l was born i have been looking for a song that could be all hers.  big L has two songs that she is sung before bed every night, but i have always thought that little l should have her own song or songs. 

i am feeling fortunate to live in a place and way that i can concern myself with the emotional cares of life, and not simply focus on the basic necessities.  

Depression

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that I have suffered from depression for most of my life.  Has my life been horrible?  No.  That is not what depression is about.  I vacillate between wanting to talk about it, and not.  I don't think I should be ashamed of depression.  It is not something to be ashamed of, but I also don't want to be perceived as a whiny victim.  The reality is, that it is a part of me, and if you don't know about my issues you may find me rude at times, which is not my intention.

After big L was born I had post-partum depression really bad.  I mean if I got dressed it was a good day.  My child was well cared for, but I was absolutely not cared for.  This go around I have been trying not to let it get bad, and help myself before it reaches the bottom.  According to my doctor my efforts may be in vain.

This is not to say that she can't help, she can, but the drug I likely need is not as safe for the baby as the one I am on.  She states that most post-partum depression is a serotonin issue.  Well.....

Since my depression could be the double whammy of genetics and post-partum, we are treating one issue and not the other.  I am going to try to make it until the end of my breast feeding before getting help with the serotonin issue, but if it doesn't work, we will be back to taking a medication the effects of which are unknown on little L.  That fact alone is enough to depress me and make me feel inadequate.

I am very stubborn, so I think I can take another six months or more.  We will see.  In the meantime, if you know someone who recently had a baby, call her up and make sure she is okay.  Sometimes, feeling loved by family and friends can make a little difference, and that is all you can ask for.